Be a good person even when you don’t feel like it. Especially when you don’t feel like it.

You have a choice in how you react to your life situations - choose to do the right thing.

What Is Good?

Unless you are a raving sociopath or are suffering from some serious “dark triad” psychopathology (or perhaps have some form of organic brain syndrome), you know right from wrong.

A good person exhibits good behavior. Your actions reflect the fact that you unerringly try to do the right thing.

Most of the time, this is fairly obvious: don’t hurt people, be kind to animals, don’t steal, try not to set stuff on fire (literally or figuratively).

But there are a couple of nuanced considerations that can trip us up.

First, notice that we are talking about actions and behavior, not thoughts. Being a good person is a function of what you do, not how you think or feel. This is equal parts ego regulation (in the psychoanalytic sense of managing your impulses, not the “I think I’m cool” sense) and emotional intelligence.

You don’t have to have perfect Jesus/Gandhi/Buddha-like thoughts to be a good person. First of all, it’s impossible because you’re not The Christ or The Buddha. And second, actions speak louder than words.

You can be irritated that some fool cut you off in traffic, and still choose to not drive like an idiot. You can find people physically attractive, and choose not to walk over and grope them.

This is where “alcohol was a factor” comes into many police reports, because intoxication erases that protective barrier between thoughts and (inappropriate) action.

Gray Areas

The other nuanced consideration comes into play with less obvious situations.

A small business owner gave you a chance and a job when you really needed it, even though it was a financial gamble on their part. Now you have a job offer that pays slightly more, but you have become an important part of the small business. Do you display loyalty to the person who helped you when you needed it, or do you go for better pay?

Do you take a meaningful major and do your best work in college to honor your parents’ investment in your education, or do you take an easy - and ridiculous - major and do the absolute minimum to graduate?

Decisions such as these are much more complex, and not as immediately clear. (Although, for God’s sake, if you get a degree, get one that will contribute to your finances - don’t do a stupid major and then complain about your student loans…)

Luckily, you have an innate guide to help with more difficult decisions. To “be a good person,” you need only consult your compass. You may know it as your conscience.

Think through the short- and long-term ramifications of the actions you are considering, then consult your gut.

At this point, the answer is pretty simple: If it feels bad, don’t do it.

Why Not?

So we know how to differentiate the big things, and we have a method for helping with the small, less obvious choices. Why do we sometimes choose the wrong thing? Why do we occasionally (or more) decide not to be a good person?

The answer is invariably fear, and ego (this time, I am talking about the “I’m so important” type of ego).

Your parents (or pastor, or aunt, or mom’s friend…) tell you to break up with someone that treats you well and that you enjoy being around. If you don’t do as you’re told, you risk losing your allowance or your car or your iPad. So you do the wrong thing and hurt a person who cared about you, so you wouldn’t be inconvenienced. And in so doing, you cheapened your self-worth and damaged your self-esteem. Because you knew it was wrong.

You are up for a promotion at the local coffee shop. So is your friend who works there, and there is only one manager position available. So you decide to talk crap about your friend when in earshot of the people who will make the decision on who to promote. It feels bad, but you could really use the extra money. To assuage your guilt, you convince yourself that they are probably talking crap about you too. But your managers are not stupid and they don’t want petty people working in their business, so you don’t get the promotion. Now you’re stuck and you feel like a scumbag (which you are). Because you knew it was wrong.

Someone cuts you off on the freeway because they are going too fast to make a safe lane change for their exit. You could just brake and make room for them because it’s the right thing to do (and you have done it yourself, if you’re honest), but your big, stupid ego decides that no one cuts me off and gets away with it! So you execute the classic flip-off/cut-off/brake check/jump out and kick their door/physical altercation move. So you’ve wasted your time, stressed yourself out and maybe got arrested. And you’re an asshole. Or maybe they shoot you and now you’re dead. And you’re still an asshole. Because you knew it was wrong.

Sometimes you have a bad day (you broke up with your significant other when you shouldn’t have, then got passed over for a promotion at work), so you did the wrong thing and drove like a moron even though you knew better, and now you have a citation and a court appearance. Or worse.

This is how to be a bad person.

Even though it may feel good in the short term, acting like an immature loser only hurts you and the people around you in the long term.

Everyone gets pissed off from time to time. How can you continue to be a good person?

Grow up. Stop doing things you know are wrong. Choose not to be an asshole. Remember when you were three and learned how to delay gratification? Do that.

Baby Steps

I hope all of this is a foregone conclusion and you only read this article for the entertainment value. If you are trying to no longer be an asshole, here are some bullet points that will help you on your road to recovery:

Lose the sarcasm. It is insecurity masked by arrogance. Grow up and learn how to communicate like an adult.

Be nice to everyone, not just people who can help your career or relationship. Tip your server, hold the door for people, smile.

Stop with the keyboard warrior crap. It telegraphs the fact that you are weak, probably devoid of critical thinking skills and sorely lacking in character.

Quit being a gossip. It doesn’t make you fit in, it only causes the other gossips you hang out with to talk crap about you as soon as you leave.

Stop hanging out with morons and people of dubious integrity.

Make more than you spend.

Listen more than you speak.

Give more than you take.

Be grateful for what you have.

Find a purpose that serves you and others.

Be A Good Person

Do yourself and everyone else a favor. It’s really not that hard, and after a while it becomes a habit.



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To learn more about how to use these concepts or to inquire about working with me, you can contact me on the Hardcore Happiness website, the comments section on my Substack or Medium accounts or the Hardcore Happiness blog page. If you have found value in this article, follow my Instagram account for daily insights, or my X account for occasional tweets. To support this community, you can Buy Me A Coffee or donate through my Patreon account.

- JWW