At first glance it seems obvious, redundant. How could you not be who you are? Who else could you be?

The truth is far from simple. We are actors, manipulators, liars, in a world of actors, manipulators and liars. I suspect this to be a result of conditioning and self-defense.

You must speak and act your truth to be who you are. That means you must first know your truth.

This basic and necessary quest to “know thyself” becomes more difficult as we mature, as we grow older. When we are young children, we act in accordance with our authentic personalities and in response to our environment. Authority figures redirect, even punish this natural state, as they try to reshape our psyches to match their expectations.

Early Influences

We are told, “Don’t sing at the table,” because such an expression of joy might upset someone’s Victorian sensibilities. “Mind your manners,” is a warning to behave as you are told, regardless of how you really feel.

The list becomes more damaging with time as young superego structures are manipulated to constrict intent and please our overlords. Sit still. Be quiet. Respect your elders. Rebellion is met with the threat of immanent physical harm: Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.

It’s off to school, once we learn to “behave.” We quickly learn that the list of psychological and behavioral rules has only just begun. We are taught is to stand quietly in a straight line and sit where we are told. To ask a question or if we need to urinate, we must raise our hands. The implication, of course, is that we may – or may not – be granted permission to go pee or clarify what we are being told. We are threatened with humiliation, psychological trauma or physical punishment if we try to assert our needs.

And that’s the easy part.

We soon learn that the real threat lies not in the classroom, but in the extracurricular environment. The classroom is at least relatively predictable. The long list of permissible actions (and the list of applicable punishments) is relatively the same from teacher to teacher.

On the playground or after school, we learn to contend with the other kids. Here, personalities are unchecked, traumas are freely acted out, and expectations are arbitrary and subject to rapid change without warning. The cruelty of middle school-age children is legendary and unparalleled. This is the result of overactive limbic emotions without the moderation of fully functioning frontal cortices.

Your true self really likes that girl from algebra class, but she doesn’t like you. You have to stand up to the bully at recess (who is undoubtedly going out with the girl from algebra class). You risk loss and humiliation when you act authentically. It is unbearable to be ostracized at this age, especially since your own frontal lobes are not in control of your emotions.

The Cost of Adulthood

We have spent 12 of our 18 years on earth practicing “go along to get along,” and now enter college or the work force (or both). By this point, we are expert at the creation of false personas. We have an extensive wardrobe of personalities to match every occasion.

The boss is an asshole? Just revisit the personality you built to deal with the school bully. You have a good idea of how to impress the girl from work or the gym; you still have the prototype personality constructed for the girl from algebra class. If your spouse cheats on you, just reconstitute the “you” that dealt with previous breakups, even though the stakes are far higher now.

There is a “you” for your work environment, one for your significant other, one for your significant other’s friends, one for your friends, another for your gym or social groups… The list goes on.

You rarely call upon your authentic self – the one that thinks and acts in accordance with your actual personality. You may have forgotten who you really are. The time you spend at work and around various other people and groups far outweighs the time you have to just “be you,” even if you can remember who that is. The constant game of charades that is the norm of modern life can damage you.

It’s all a lie. We act in ways that aren’t in accordance with how we really feel in order to out-manipulate the people who would gain control over us.

It’s All About Control

We learn to change the perception of who we are to coexist in the social control paradigm with the least amount of friction and the greatest possible personal gain. To deal with a multitude of social environments, we develop multiple social personalities, all inauthentic. We must remember to deploy the correct forward-facing personality for each situation or risk being controlled by another.

If we don’t act in a way that favors a promotion at work, we will lose that salary increase. And we lose the ladder-climbing that comes with a promotion. Each rung increases our own control and decreases the number of “higher-ups” who have control over us.

We face the many interpersonal games of significant others unless we choose the personality most likely to please them. These games aim to bring our actions in line with their expectations.

From the time we wake until we are again unconscious, we exist in a fast-running river of interpersonal interactions with friends, neighbors, acquaintances, children, children’s teachers, baristas, grocers, vendors, customers, and so on. To stay psychologically afloat, we adopt every necessary personality variant – except the one that reflects who we really are.

Unchecked, the constant pressure to “be” who you feel you need to be for each situation will exhaust your mental and physical resources.

Most of us use alternate social personalities even when they are not necessary. We continually project outward appearances by force of habit and then wonder why we feel tired.

I find that when I remind myself of my authentic nature, I feel much more at peace with the turbulence of daily life. I can recoup the energy that would otherwise have been spent “putting on airs.”

DISCLAIMER: I realize that, in real life, parents must teach (and hopefully, model) proper behavior to their children, or society will impart the same lessons in a much more painful manner. We must learn to “play the game” of interpersonal interaction in school and business.

My point in this article is to illustrate factors that can cause us to “lose” our true selves, and offer some suggestions on how to maintain – or regain – an authentic sense of self.

How to Be Who You Are

The first step is to remember who you are.

With your authentic, natural self in mind, you can consciously modify your behavior to fit a given situation. The difference is that you are now in control of your behavior. You can “put on a different face” – or not – as a matter of conscious choice, not reflexive habit.

This change in perspective will make it easier to form and maintain healthy boundaries and contribute to your overall mental and physical health.

To begin, put yourself in an environment that is free from social pressure to behave in a certain manner. Time in nature is an optimal situation. Spend some time – alone – in the desert, or the forest, or on a mountain. Go someplace where there is no one you need to impress or manipulate, and where there is no one that could be “judging” you an any way.

Once you are in a place of solitude, focus on authentic feelings:

What are your deepest values, when you don’t have to explain or defend them to anyone?
Which things make you feel excited and happy, without consideration of meeting anyone else’s needs or expectations?
What future would you construct for yourself if you had only yourself to consider?

Record your conclusions in a journal, so that you can refer to them once you return to the “real” world.

Once you are back in the interpersonal, social world, remind yourself of who you are, on a frequent basis. You may decide to be the assertive, extroverted “leader” figure at an important convention, when your “real” self is much more introverted. You can take on a more passive, receptive and quiet persona to help a friend or family member, even if your “natural” state is much more talkative and extroverted.

But you are in control of these conscious decisions and of how long each should continue. You know that you have made a temporary change for a specific reason.

There will likely be pressure to conform, to revert back to the old, exhausting ways of automatically changing your thoughts and behavior to “fit in.” You must fight to maintain your authentic self. Otherwise, the bad habits of weak boundaries and people-pleasing will result in resentment, passive-aggressive behavior and a constant energy suck that leads to anxiety and depression.

Choose your work to align with your authentic values and work with people who respect who you are without false fronts.

Choose your company. Make intentional, conscious decisions regarding your acquaintances, friends and lovers. Choose to be with people who value your authentic self.

Choose your life. Do what really interests you. Spend your – limited and finite – time on pursuits that are inline with your purpose (which you can’t develop in an inauthentic state anyway). Don’t waste time and energy on actions just to be “impressive,” or in order to please someone else.

Learn to say, “No.” Short-term gain is not worth the loss of your authentic self.

You won’t always be able to be completely authentic in every situation. You can’t choose your biological family members, including your children. These changes may take a long time to fully implement and may involve making painful decisions. In the end, the result justifies the effort.

To be who you are is to enjoy increased happiness and well-being.

The world needs the person that you really are.

As always, I welcome your thoughts. You can reach me through the comments section on my Substack or Medium accounts or the blog section on my website. If this article as of value to you, please follow my Instagram and Twitter accounts. And be sure to subscribe to my River Of Creation podcast – The Podcast for Creators! – coming later this year.

Be well; do good!

• JWW