You can define yourself. It’s a choice, not manifest destiny. This regularly comes as a complete shock to the people with whom I work, in both principle and the degree to which it is true.

You have the ability - the obligation, really - to invent and then reinvent yourself as you see fit. It takes effort to think about who you are and who you really want to be, and then take action to close the gap. But it’s worth it.

Why Does It Matter?

Of the billions of people who have walked the planet, no two are identical (even identical twins, while genetic duplicates, are differentiated by environmental factors).

That means you are different from everybody else. The way you look and think and feel and react are uniquely you.

And thank God for that. I have spent half a century studying people, and one of the factors that has made that journey endlessly fascinating is the vast number of permutations between - and within - people. You are not exactly the same from day to day or even minute to minute.

You can only be you. As obvious as this fact seems, people who embrace it are the exception, not the rule. Our propensity to compare, to envy, predisposes us to emulate the athletes and actors and other celebrities we see every day in videos and social media feeds. There’s a reason they are called “influencers.”

Your best bet is to be authentic, to understand the singular combination of traits and attributes that make you different. Then choose the ones you like and accentuate them. In this way you can define yourself by your own standards.

The Real Thing

Authentic people are more satisfied and happier because they aren’t chasing someone else’s life. They have less need for comparison because they know who they are. And they therefore experience less envy, less stress.

Authenticity makes you more attractive because it causes you to stand out from the crowd. You can’t expect to be noticed if you are a cookie-cutter version of whatever is the latest trend.

And don’t kid yourself, you are always in competition, whether you like it or not. It is much harder to compete for a mate, a job, a promotion, a good school, if you are so indistinguishable as to become invisible.

So authenticity is a significant contributor to life satisfaction, to peace and well-being, to what I call hardcore happiness; the force that sustains you and builds resilience.

How do you become authentic?

Who Are You?

This is the fun part. Try to ignore the TV and social media scrolling and video bingeing, and pretend that no one is paying attention to you (news flash: they probably aren’t). Then write a list of what you understand about yourself.

What are you about? What do you stand for? What are your values? Your goals?

What makes you feel loved, confident, important?

If you were the only person in the world, how would you dress, speak, wear your hair? What would you drive? Where would you live? Is this you speaking or is it “popular” influences; a need to impress someone?

What traits are most important to you? Do you embody them in your own attitudes and actions? (The top of my list includes honesty, intelligence, kindness and a sense of humor. In that order.)

What do you love, even if it’s not “in” or “cool” or trendy? Have you examined it?

After - and only after - you make a detailed examination of who you are, you can start to authentically determine what you want. This is important, because without it, you are forever changing the latest trend, trying to keep up with the latest Internet celebrity.

Define your own trends.

Who Are You Not?

Less fun but still interesting is the list of traits and attitudes you want to lose. A major part of defining yourself includes the determination of what you don’t want to be. How do you not want to be perceived?

What actions and attitudes do you most dislike in others? Do you work to avoid them in your own behavior and thoughts?

What do you find to be inauthentic, predatory, traumatizing?

What kinds of people do you avoid? (My own inventory prominently features liars, gossipers, backstabbers, those who would use you for their own comfort and convenience, the spoiled and entitled.)

Now you have a detailed and carefully considered list of who you are and who you aren’t; what you want to accentuate and what you want to eliminate about yourself. All that remains is to think and behave in accordance with the factors you want to keep, and avoid the others.

Congratulations! You have defined yourself using the attributes that make you truly unique.

Oh, and there is one other thing…

The Only Constant

…is change. As stated earlier, you are always changing. You will encounter new experiences, consider new information, meet new people.

Modify your self-definition as you see fit, but make changes carefully, based on your most authentic self-evaluation. Avoid dogmatism, but retain the best core of your true personality.

Always put your best self forward, but make sure it’s really you.

Define Yourself

So you, as they say, “do you.” Once you have an idea of who you are, you can begin to define why you are.

And that path - the pursuit of your purpose - is even more interesting.



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To learn more about how to use these concepts or to inquire about working with me, you can contact me on the Hardcore Happiness website, the comments section on my Substack or Medium accounts or The Authentic Life Blog page. If you have found value in this article, follow my Instagram account for daily insights, or my X account for occasional tweets. To support this community, you can Buy Me A Coffee or donate through my Patreon account.

- JWW