“I don’t care.” We sound indifferent, even callous when we say it. It is difficult to imagine a positive connotation for this simple phrase that is used to imply consent (“Can I go to Tom’s house?”), impose discipline (“I just need to stay up long enough to finish this level…”) and terminate relationships (“But it didn’t mean anything, I was drunk…”).

But in our hyper-aware, continuously monitored, socially divided – and purposely manipulated – world, not caring can be liberating, even life-saving.

Too Much to Care About

We have instant access to more information than we could possibly consume in a thousand lifetimes. The obvious benefit is that we can learn about almost anything from almost anywhere. There is a serious downside to all those Wiki articles and blogs and videos and memes and podcasts, however.

Everyone has a cause.

Watch and read long enough and you will learn that it is imperative that you vote for this cause and against that candidate; that you “stop scrolling” and sign up for that webinar; that you follow the five easy steps that are (almost – see earnings disclaimer) guaranteed to put you in a Lamborghini just like the one that the 20-something influencer rented for his Instagram reel.

How else are you gonna get to a million followers?

Don’t you want to build generational wealth? Defend your family against home invaders? Make $5.65 from the class-action lawsuit against Camp Lejeune? Or – for God’s sake – extend your car’s warranty?

It is up to you to fix climate change, fund the war in Ukraine, save our democracy, solve gun violence, defend gun rights, create more government control, stop the government from taking more control, conserve energy, conserve water, drive a “green” car, be a socialist, defeat the socialists, stop nuclear war, create nuclear power, learn to use AI, find a way to control AI, defend free speech, stop hate speech. Build Back Better and Make America Great Again.

Save the fucking whales.

The average person spends dozens of hours engaged in this kind of information overload every week. And we have the nerve to pathologize the result as “generalized anxiety disorder.” (But don’t worry, big pharma will sell you trillions of dollars’ worth of highly addictive benzodiazepines to “help.”)

Sometimes You Must Care

Sometimes you can’t say “I don’t care.” When you can no longer afford rent or a mortgage, when your food costs have skyrocketed and your annual raise (if you get one) is a fraction of record-high inflation rates; when the only way to pay the bills is to play Russian Roulette with adjustable rate mortgages and yet another credit card.

You have to care when your children live 10 to an apartment, work three jobs, live in converted school buses and sell their bath water on the Internet to make ends meet.

This Time, It’s Personal

For many of us, learning to say, “I don’t care” is a matter of emotional survival.

If you grew up with a highly authoritarian (as opposed to authoritative¹) parent or caretaker, you learn to care about every utterance, every nuanced glare from your overlords from an early age.

Or Else.

If you say, “I don’t care,” as an answer to “I want you to go clean up your room right now,” you provoke immediate confrontation. It is unacceptable to express your thoughts or desires in opposition to a direct command. The word “No” will trigger physical violence, not an honest exploration of your hesitancy.

Authoritarianism is effective in the military and devastating to relationships for the same reason: It breaks wills and builds blind obedience.

And the damage lasts a lifetime, if not understood and confronted.

Children raised in a highly authoritarian environment learn that they are responsible for “keeping the peace” in the home. The only way to avoid explosive interpersonal interaction is to keep everyone happy. Shut your mouth and do as you are told. Because I said so.

The message is clear: Your emotional needs are irrelevant and if you express them, you will experience trauma.

All future relationships (except military roles) are damaged by this maladaptive and deep-seated operant conditioning. Weak – or non-existent – boundaries lead to manipulation by others and end up as resentment and anger, with sometimes deadly outcomes. (Think “disgruntled postal worker,” or the motion picture Falling Down, starring Michael Douglas.)

An authoritarian parenting style creates “people pleasers.”

When to Say, “I Don’t Care”

There are different solutions to the three situations we have discussed. Each is based in emotional triage:

1. Take a break from social media and television and inflammatory blogs and podcasts. The best way to deal with the constant onslaught of other people telling you what to care about is to simply unplug. Even a short hiatus will lessen your anxiety and sharpen your discernment.

You don’t have to – and can’t – care about everything. Begin by eliminating those concerns over which you have no control. If you can’t fix it, worry will only make you ill. Then choose to care only about the situations you can and will do something about. And take breaks, even from them.

2. Stop caring about what other people think. The truth is that most of them aren’t thinking about you or your needs. Be who you are (as I recently wrote), to see who is really in your camp and who just takes advantage of your subservience.

Take a close look at yourself and evaluate how often you ignore your own needs to make someone else happy. What parts of yourself do you bury in order to “keep the peace,” to save the relationship, get the promotion or make friends?

I give you permission to tell your judgmental “friends” to keep their toxic projections to themselves. Don’t own someone else’s baggage; you have enough of your own.

This doesn’t mean you should become a rigid psychopath, incapable of discourse and ruled by mindless dogma. It does mean that you should be aware of who you are, as regards your deep-seated values and beliefs. Once you become aware of the things that are truly important to you, don’t compromise them just to make someone else happy. It won’t work, and in the long run will make you unhappy.

Once you disconnect from others peoples’ concerns and don’t care about other peoples’ judgements, you will have enough energy to

3. Focus on the things you should care about. You have to care about your survival needs and those of your loved ones. Food, shelter and love are paramount. Once those things are secure, relegate everything else to its level of hierarchical importance. Start with the concerns you deem to be the most important – and can control – and ignore the rest.

Take time to figure out what – and who – is really important to you, and nurture those people and those situations. Conserve your mental and emotional energy to take care of yourself and preserve your health.

Learn what to care about and when to say, “No,” or you can’t develop an authentic sense of self. And if you don’t know who you are, you can’t effectively manage your relationships in work or personal settings. “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything,” as the saying goes.

You have to say “I don’t care” about many things to effectively care about anything.

1. Developmental psychologist Dr. Diana Baumrind differentiated authoritarian parenting (high demands and low responsiveness) from authoritative parenting (high demands and high responsiveness). While not all authoritarian parents are abusive, Baumrind felt that abuse was more likely in this paradigm. Think punishment vs. discipline.

As always, I welcome your thoughts. You can reach me through the comments section on my Substack or Medium accounts or the blog section on my website. If this article as of value to you, please follow my Instagram and Twitter accounts. And be sure to subscribe to my River Of Creation podcast – The Podcast for Creators! – coming later this year.

Be well; do good!

• JWW