This week’s article is in response to a reader’s question: “What are some tools to help us be aware of our habitual choices and improve upon them?” This is a great question with a long answer, but I will give an overview of how to develop happy habits in this (relatively) short article.

What Is a Habit?

Habits have two defining characteristics that are apropos to this discussion: they are learned, and they prompt actions without much conscious thought.

Imagine that your early morning alarm has just gone off. Your routine probably includes making it to the bathroom to pee, brushing your teeth, maybe taking a shower and getting dressed. For most of us, these actions don’t require a lot of planning and thought, even though they are relatively complicated.

Let’s take the early morning trip to the restroom as an example. Your bladder is telling you it needs to be emptied. You have learned not to empty it in bed, but to get up, make your way to the bathroom and make appropriate use of the toilet. This meets the two requirements for a habitual action: You had to learn how to do all that, and you didn’t give it much thought. In fact, the action was so automatic that you probably were thinking about something completely unrelated, like the day’s to-do list, or getting to your first coffee.

And that’s just the simplest of the morning tasks. Getting shaved and showered are much more complex, not to mention getting dressed.

Most people associate the word “habit” with a negative action, like smoking, or drug use (“May be habit-forming,” says the warning on the label). But our very simple example has shown that some habits are beneficial.

So the first question is, “If habitual actions are triggered without much conscious thought, how can I keep track of what I’m doing?”

What Am I Doing?

Not all habits are as useful as bladder control. Your early morning routine, for instance, may include lighting a cigarette or surfing social media for an hour (or several, if you have the luxury of that much time), or one of myriad other maladaptive habits.

Before you can start to work on habits that don’t serve you - or worse, that harm you - you have to know what they are and how often they occur. The way to do this takes some mindfulness and a bit of effort, but is definitely worth it.

Here’s how:

First, grab the note-taking device of your choice. Doesn’t matter if it’s a journal or your pocket super-computer, as long as it’s always handy. If you’re going to leave it at home, it won’t do you much good.

Second, Write down everything you do, all day. Pay special attention to noticing the things you do “automatically.” Don’t try to separate good from bad at this point, just get used to writing them all down.

Bonus: if you can also note the thoughts and feelings that accompany the habits, even better, but not absolutely necessary.

Third, commit to doing this for at least two weeks. Unless you are in the habit (see what I did there?) of paying close attention to all of your actions, it will take a few days before you stop missing things. This is because they are habits, so you aren’t used to paying attention to them.

Nothing is too small! Note things like stopping for that venti iced mocha with two extra chocolate pumps, caramel drizzle and whipped cream every day on your way to work. Or blasting the “metal” playlist on Spotify on your morning commute because you hate your job so much. (This is why feelings are important to note.) Or automatically reaching for the crackers and peanut butter for your daily 4-hour Netflix binge. Don’t forget to list the “good” habits, such as hitting the gym on your way home from work, or drinking 4 liters of water every day.

Fourth, after you have several days’ worth of information, list all of the habits you have noticed that occur every day (or almost). If there is something that only occurred once or twice in that period of time, you can ignore it. Again, don’t separate into “good and “bad” yet.

If you haven't noted more than a dozen habits, you probably need to pay closer attention and add a few days. Most people will have at least 20, and many will have more.

Fifth, now that you have your list of regularly-occurring habits, break them into two categories: “Habits That Serve Me,” and “Habits That Don’t Serve Me.” Notice that we are not adding value judgements like “good” and “bad” to our labels. We don’t care about what is “generally accepted,” or what “society” thinks. We only care about what gets us closer to our goals and what doesn’t.

Discernment

We can now begin to answer the second question: “How do I improve upon my habits?”

Look at the list of habits that you labeled as “Habits That Serve Me.” Realize that even though they are in this category, you may choose to do better. A crude example: if you are single, it may serve you, in some ways, to spend a lot of time watching porn. But you may be able to find a better way to meet your physical needs without the negative effects of a porn addiction.

Think carefully about each “beneficial” habit you identified. Which make you truly happy, and which can you modify or replace with something that better serves you?

After you have segregated your “Serving” habits in this way, we can move on to the “Doesn’t Serve Me” list. For each habit that you know isn’t in the interest of your health and happiness, ask yourself, “Why?” Why are you habitually doing something you know isn’t aligned with your highest good?

This exercise usually reveals the fact that less-than-beneficial habits are masking something else. We don’t set out to do things that aren’t in our best interest, after all. A typical example is the half-bottle (or more) of wine we might consume each night while watching TV. You can look at it this way: “What pain am I medicating?” “What part of my reality am I trying to ignore?”

Transformation

You now have three lists: 1) The “Serves Me and I Like It” list, 2) the “Serves Me But I Could Do Better” list, and 3) the “Hell Nah, I Need To Change This” list.

Let List 1 continue to run on autopilot. Congratulate yourself for developing healthy habits that contribute to your productivity and happiness.

For each entry in List 2, try to come up with something that would serve you in the same way, but with less expense, less time wasted, less negative side effects. Write each of these next to the matching habit you originally listed.

Make a careful (written, please) note of the “Why?” for each item in the “Doesn’t Serve Me” list.

Another Note: It may be that you can’t - and possibly shouldn’t - stop all of the List 3 habits “cold turkey.” Some of these habits may be protecting you from something more damaging. More on this in a moment.*

For the less-than-perfect habits in List 2 and most of the items in List 3, we can employ the tried-and-true technique of habit replacement. This procedure is simple in concept, more challenging in execution.

List several habits you would like to develop, but don’t yet enjoy. Here are are some suggestions, to get you started:

- Developing the discipline to actually create better habits
- Practicing sleep hygiene, to get enough hours of regular sleep
- Hydrating more fully each day
- Stopping harmful substances (yes, you can make a habit of not doing something)
- Having a better diet, including snacks
- Spending time with friends and family, in person
- Acquiring a habit of gratitude as a foundation for your mindset
- Limiting time spent gaming, binge-watching, doom scrolling
- Developing a clear sense of purpose, and working on it each day
- Gaining true competence at a skill or ability

There are literally hundreds more, but you get the idea.

Once you have a list of the new habits you want to acquire, become aware of the triggers for each old habit you want to replace. Use our first exercise as a way to pay attention to the old habits. What situation causes you to automatically reach for the sweet treats? What is it that leads you to doom scroll for hours? Mindfully and consciously replace that old habit with the new one, until it becomes… well, a habit.

For example: become aware of the fact that settling in front of the TV triggers a near-automatic response to grab a bag of Doritos. If this is something you want to change (sorry, Frito-Lay Corporation), have a tray of baby carrots, or a jar of olives - or whatever you identify as a better choice - handy. Now, on your way to the TV-facing couch, remind yourself to put down the chips, and grab the carrots instead.

This will take some time, and you will screw up. Be gentle with yourself. If you suddenly notice your fingers are coated with the delicious orange glow of Cheetos, put them away and grab the olives instead.

And don’t try to change a bunch of less-than-perfect habits all at once. It likely took years for you to learn the old habits; be ready to take some time to replace them.

*If you find yourself afraid to drop some habits that aren’t in your best interest, it may be worth your time to talk them over with a trusted friend or group, or maybe consult some professional help. A heavy drinking habit, for instance, can be very dangerous to just stop. And there are many more. It’s worth the time and effort to proceed cautiously if you have concerns.

Happy Habits

This article is designed to be pretty general, because of space constraints. But these decisions are nuanced and very personal. For more detailed and personalized advice, seek the advice of friends and family, if you trust them, or talk to a professional if you have doubts.

If you would like me to speak to your group about these concepts - virtually or in person - on a more specific level, contact me (see below) and we can discuss it.

May your future be populated with habits for hardcore happiness!

To learn more about how to use these concepts or to inquire about working with me, you can contact me on the Hardcore Happiness website, the comments section on my Substack or Medium accounts or The Authentic Life Blog page. If you have found value in this article, follow my Instagram account for daily insights, or my X account for occasional tweets. To support this community, you can Buy Me A Coffee or donate through my Patreon account.

- JWW