Do you remember who you are? Who you really are, at your core: what excites you, what you stand for, what you want from your life?

Many of the people I see have a distinct sense that they are emotionally adrift. They report that they have lost the joy and purpose of living. These folks are very clear about the nature of their discomfort. Their thoughts and feelings are not repressed in some symbolically cloaked Freudian miasma of despair, they come right out and say it: “I don’t know who I am anymore.”

The typical story is that their teens and twenties were unburdened by such concerns. The invincibility of youth was still a dominant emotional force. Daily life was difficult at times, but nothing life-threatening and there were plenty of friends around to share the experiences. Breakups and job changes and school were mitigated by the scintillating light of adventure at the end of a relatively short tunnel. We never had the need to remember who we are, because we had never forgotten.

Life happens

It is important to know that it isn’t we who changed. We possess the same zest for life, the same basic interests and passions that were present since the time our basic personalities crystallized somewhere in elementary school. Barring major physical or psychological trauma (and in many cases, even then), our excitement for life persists.

What does change is our ability to access those early feelings. The task to “remember who you are” becomes more difficult as we age because of the many roles we play in order to survive, to thrive. Our immense psychological ability to adapt becomes a game of “go along to get along.” What we want to do – our drive and passion – is quickly overshadowed by what we have to do – our obligations.

“It’s a beautiful day – let’s go hike in the mountains!” becomes “I have to get up at 5:30 in the morning to work. Maybe this weekend…” By the time the weekend rolls around, we are exhausted, so we watch some TV and try to catch up on sleep.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Because the car payment is due, and the kids need new school clothes (and iPods!) and the rent just went up – again. We still want to go play, to experience life, to go outdoors and roam and find adventure, but we have responsibilities now. We are adulting – notice that the term is normally laced with regret.

Priorities

The difference lies in how we assign priorities.

It is still perfectly possible to remember who you are, just as soon as you file an extension on the taxes and call the electric company to find out why the bill is $400 this month, and work a bunch of overtime because there is a promotion coming up at work and you really need it.

Our lives are what they are. Especially in our “middle ages,” the thirties and forties for most people, families are rightfully the highest priority. These times are occupied with grad school or career and the very real struggle of balance between work and family.

Erik Erickson’s Stage 6 of his theory of psychosocial development posits that intimacy and isolation are competing concerns at this time. Our need to provide financial stability can trump loving relationships with our family and friends. Erickson’s prediction has proven to be true over time: a major 2021 study shows that half of us have three or fewer close friends.

In other words, for a while, isolation wins over intimacy in many ways while we are adulting.

Remembering who you are

There is good news! The exact timing varies greatly with your life circumstances, but at some point, all that adulting pays off. Toward the end of our careers, and once we have done our best job of preparing our children to go live their own lives, we have more volition as regards how we spend our time.

One of my main interests (as I have written about here and here and many other places) is the fact that we have choice in the way that we respond to a situation, even when we have no control over the situation itself. This happy fact is perhaps at its happiest in this situation:

You can choose to remember who you are.

Remember that the excited, forward-looking person you once were is still there. You can now choose to have the best of both worlds: the benefits of family, career and resources you built can only enhance the joy you can rediscover from an earlier, less complicated time.

How to remember

Try these steps to rekindle the zest for life that you may have put on the existential “back-burner” for a time:

• Look through photos or other records of you having a good time as a young adult. Remember what you felt like in those smiling photographs. What were you doing that made you happy? Is there some version of that experience you can have today?
• Go to places that you loved in high school and college, or when you were just starting your job or career. It is a powerful experience to physically revisit favorite haunts. Take the time to remember what excited you about going there. Maybe you can take the friends and family you have made and introduce them as well!
• If you are still in touch with any of the people with whom you experienced the excitement of your younger days, make time to visit with them in person or otherwise. When the conversation naturally comes around to escapades that made you feel alive, it will help you remember who you are.
• Take some quiet time to think about the places and actions that you most enjoyed in your happiest times. You will find it is easier than you think to remember who you are.

I suggest that you write a list of the things that remind you of who you really are, inside. Once you have that list, do those things! Even if you can’t physically do the things that you did at 21, you can still enjoy the locale and mindset.

Choose to rediscover the happiest parts of yourself.

As always, I welcome your thoughts. You can reach me through the comments section on my Substack or Medium accounts or the blog section on my website. If this article as of value to you, please follow my Instagram and Twitter accounts. And be sure to subscribe to my River Of Creation podcast – The Podcast for Creators! – coming later this year.

Be well; do good!

• JWW