We all have daily stressors; it’s part of life. That’s NOT what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about those days when there are so many issues coming at you so fast that you can barely keep track of them all, let alone deal with them. Days that make you want to just crawl back in your bed and hide. Those are the days where you need a plan for stress management.

Divide and Conquer

There is a process for digging yourself out from under a mountain of stress. It works well, but it takes effort and a bit of courage.

List all of the current stressful situations you currently face. Write this list, don’t simply imagine it in your head. This will keep you from bouncing between issues, and ensure you aren’t forgetting any. Order the list from most harmful (and “scariest”) to least.

Start with the most stressful and work your way down. Be sure to address each stressful situation as completely as possible:

Separate stressful situations. It is easy to let all the stress congeal into one huge monster. It helps to break each issue out so that you are now considering a list of smaller stressors.

Consider your locus of control. Psychologists use the term, locus of control to recognize whether you have any control over the situation (an internal locus of control) or not (an external locus of control.)

Divide the list. Make two lists; one with the stressors you can do something about, and one that lists situations completely out of your control. Ignore, for now, the uncontrollable stresses. The rest of this article addresses the situations over which you have some control.

Stay on the Gas

Don’t let it ride. For each item on the internal locus of control list (situations over which you have some control), decide what you can do to make the issue less stressful, and do it now. Schedule the meeting; make the phone call; mend the relationship.

Go towards the light. Take the actions necessary to increase your time with people and situations that make you feel happy, safe, loved, free, special and important. Separate yourself from anything that causes you to feel guilty, ashamed, sad, angry or controlled. Get more of what feels good and less of what feels bad.

Maintain clarity. Resist efforts to pull you to the “dark side.” People and situations that have controlled you will continue to try to control you. Many times, these controlling efforts will be presented in terms of love and concern, but will be wrapped in guilt and anger and threats. These mixed messages can be very confusing, but there is an easy way to tell which are truly for your benefit and which are attempts to keep you under control. Efforts to control you will try to exclude people and situations that make you happy. These efforts will make you feel frustrated, confused, sad and lonely. Actions taken solely for your benefit will include people and circumstances that make you feel happy. These efforts will leave you feeling light and comfortable and at peace. If someone tries to separate you from friends, family and places you enjoy, it’s a red flag.

In many cases, efforts to control you are aimed at causing so much anxiety that you surrender and give up on the people and things you really want, just to stop the badgering and anxiety and negativity.

Don’t give in. Don’t give up. Ask yourself: Does this make me smile? Accept only that which does.

Don’t let up. Sometimes you have to fight for your peace. It might take some time to move towards happiness and away from control and anxiety. Be patient: your freedom and happiness are worth the concerted effort.

Consider Transpersonal Factors

In a psychological sense, transpersonal means going beyond interactions with people. There are many things you can do to reduce and manage your stress that do not involve dealing with people:

Exercise. Get your heart rate up for at least 30 minutes, at least three times a week.

Eat well and take vitamins. Your body needs fuel to feel good.

Practice sleep hygiene. Get at least 7 hours of sleep a day on a regular schedule.

Avoid cheap dopamine hits. Talk with a friend instead of playing video games. Read in place of doom scrolling. Write in your journal rather than binge Netflix.

Get a change of scenery. Go to a coffee shop, a new town, a new state. Take a friend.

Cut back on - or eliminate - sugar and caffeine. These two most commonly consumed psychoactive substances will only increase your anxiety.

Control Your Mindset

Don’t let your mind run amok. Take a few deep breaths. Imagine the most positive scenario, the outcome that makes you feel the happiest, safest, and most secure. Actively imagine a brighter future, with decreased stress and increased love and support and joy.

Picture this outcome in the most detail you can muster: peoples’ smiling faces, their happy words, the feeling of total acceptance and no stress. Visualize how your gut and head feel with no anxiety present. Hold this picture of the best outcome while you craft your speech and demeanor and ultimately make your decisions.

Emotional intelligence includes managing others’ feelings. When you have to confront those who would control or shame you, do it from an emotional stance that leaves no room for negativity: “I’m so excited to tell you about…” “I had such a great time when I …” I always feel so loved and supported when I…” “I I can’t believe I haven’t told you about…”

If you still encounter worry or negativity, offer a heartfelt conversation that directly addresses the concerns. Thank them for caring, then reiterate the reasons that you are so happy. Stay in the optimistic mindset you developed. And resist the fear-mongering.

Fear is the enemy. Decisions made from fear are the default. This is what psychologists call negative bias: we focus on negative outcomes because they can kill us. Positive outcomes do not elicit the same knee-jerk reaction.

You can control your reaction to events, even if you can’t control the events themselves. Read that again.

Stress Management

Keep score. Make a written record of your progress as you move from control and anxiety to freedom and happiness (this is an excellent use of your daily journal). Remind yourself that you have power and control in stressful situations.

Make a conscious decision to be more involved with the people and situations that make you feel good, and avoid those that make you feel anxious, frustrated and confused.



To learn more about how to use these concepts or to inquire about working with me, you can contact me through my website, the comments section on my Substack or Medium accounts or The Authentic Life Blog page. If you have found value in this article, follow my Instagram account for daily insights, or my X account for occasional tweets. To support this community, you can Buy Me A Coffee or donate through my Patreon account.

- JWW