If you regularly follow my work, you know that the unifying theme of my writing is a concept I call Hardcore Happiness. It is an uncomfortable truth that you must have discipline and exert some effort to maintain a state of happiness in what can be a harsh world.

This holds for business and personal life. It is frequently the case, for example, that your relationships with other people may fall short of your expectations. Here are some tips about how I deal with this specific situation.

Interpersonal Pain

There are lots of ways that life can (and will) go sideways. One very common way that we incur emotional damage is as a result of our relationships with others. It is an uncomfortable truth that those who are the closest to us can inflict the most pain.

- Many people with whom you were very close will suddenly disappear from your life and never speak to you again.

- It is quite possible that you will never receive the same degree of love and attention that you give to someone else.

- Many of those for whom you do and sacrifice the most will ultimately treat you the worst.

- Most people who hurt you are never going to apologize for or even acknowledge  it.

These situations are not confined to romantic partnerships; they routinely occur with friends, family and even business acquaintances.

It is painful - if not debilitating - to realize that there are many people who were not worth the love and care you bestowed upon them.

The (Not-So) Great Unknown

To make matters worse, there is a better-than-even chance that you will never learn the “why” of the situation.

It is human nature to want to know why we have been “ghosted,” abandoned, forsaken, betrayed. There are many reasons for this, but a couple seem to be universal.

First, we want to know why the other person left so that we can judge their reasoning. We humans constantly search for reason, for meaning. We fear a spurious and unpredictable universe and will go out of our way to create a meaning for something, even if we are wrong.

If we know that we were dumped because the other person found us to be incompatible or undesirable, we can assign meaning by thinking, “They didn’t understand me at all.” or, “They completely misinterpreted my words and actions.” In this way, we avoid having to take responsibility for the breakup.

Second, it hurts to get dumped. More mature individuals, who are willing to examine how they contributed to the end of a relationship, ask “why” so that they can learn from the experience and avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

In each case, the “why” of a separation can ease the pain of the separation itself.

In both cases, such an explanation may, unfortunately, never come. This leaves the “dumpee” to eternally wonder, “Was it something I said? What did I do to deserve this?”

Locus of Control

How, then, to proceed if you are grieving the end of a relationship and may not ever find out what went wrong?

It is important for “dumpees” to realize that they have no control over the actions of the “dumper.” You got dumped. You don’t know why. If the person isn’t willing to discuss the situation, you can't force or coerce them to.

And here is an interesting aside, learned from years of working with couples: The persons who ended the relationship may themselves not be able to articulate the reasons for the dissolution. In other words, even if they were willing to talk after the breakup, you may still never really know “what happened.”

Knowing this, what can you do if you have been suddenly and inexplicably abandoned? The answer is the same for every part of human life: you can only control those things that are in your control. Psychologists call this the locus of control.

If you can control a situation, you have an internal locus of control. That means the control of the situation is within you. An external locus of control means that you can’t influence the situation; it is out of your control.

Others’ thoughts and actions are - as is commonly said - “none of your business,” including what they think of you. Their opinions and behavior are definitely external to your locus of control.

And if you can’t control it, you shouldn’t worry about it. Pleading and threatening and double-texting and social media stalking and staring at your phone will only make you anxious and sad.

So what can you do?

Grieve, let go and move on.

Remember: You always have control over how you choose to react to a situation, even if you have no control over the situation itself.

Uncomfortable Truth

This is not a trivial matter. People on the receiving end of a breakup usually perceive this truth as much more than “uncomfortable.” For many, it can be devastating - even life-threatening - if their thoughts and feelings are left unresolved.

Nor are these situations quickly ameliorated. I have seen people struggle for 20 - or more - years with the loss of a meaningful relationship. Some go to their graves never knowing “why” they were left, or ever coming to grips with the fact that the relationship is over. Time alone won’t necessarily heal this wound.

There are many things a person can do to recover of their own accord, and of course professional help may be of assistance. These topics go well beyond the constraints of this article, but they are part of the concept of Hardcore Happiness. It takes effort and resolve (and frequently, a kind and knowledgeable guide) to deal with this kind of pain and restore happiness.

Every conscious human life will eventually encounter this kind of uncomfortable truth, usually several times. The positive message is that you can restore your happiness, but it will take work to do so.

If you are struggling, reach out. This journey is best not taken alone. If you are able to help someone find their way through the grief, by all means do so.

Just don’t expect anything in return.

To learn more about how to use these concepts or to inquire about working with me, you can contact me on the Hardcore Happiness website, the comments section on my Substack or Medium accounts or The Authentic Life Blog page. If you have found value in this article, follow my Instagram account for daily insights, or my X account for occasional tweets. To support this community, you can Buy Me A Coffee or donate through my Patreon account.

- JWW